Late last summer I was able to get some time alone with each kid. Now that we have walking weather again, I’m hoping to get the boys out of the house to go walking with me more often…one at a time. I anticipate that once I get rolling, all this walking will help me take that weight off again, too, and hopefully I can keep it off. The motion of walking and the mental distraction gives me time to reset, especially when I’m out walking for an hour to an hour-and-a-half. Sometimes I pay sharp attention to whatever podcast is coming though my headphones, just for the pure distraction. While I listen to podcasts on my Ipod the whole time I’m out, sometimes I tune it out in favor of working stuff out in my head. Not only does walking help drain off the negative energy I have all pent-up, but it gives me real time to think. It would help a lot if my ex and his hussy would just kindly drop off the edge of the Earth, never to be heard from again…is that really too much to ask?

However, it takes a lot of energy to keep that up, and I suppose that one day I will just be too tired to keep it up any more. I don’t want to not be angry about the kids and I being cheated on and dumped so carelessly, and, quite frankly, I just can’t imagine a time when I wouldn’t be angry about it. Part of the reason for that is that I’m hanging on to my anger… and I like it. If I am to be completely honest with myself, the only reason it’s still there is I give it permission to be there. That’s what I have to work on this year…knife extraction. I’ll never admit that to him or the kids, but there’s still a knife hanging out of my back, and every time I have to see or interact with him, it gives a good sharp twist. Yesterday when he picked them up I had to see him, and speak to him, and it was excruciating. Being 15 and 17, they don’t need me around at all times, so I took the opportunity to salve my sanity. My ex husband had time scheduled with the boys today, so I decided just to go for a walk and be away from the house when it came time for him to pick them up. So, Spring is here again and I’m itching to get outside. It didn’t take it all away, but helped a lot. Not only did I lose a lot of weight (which I gained again over the Winter months), but walking constantly, multiple times a day helped me physically rid myself of tension, depression and anxiety so that I could function. During this long Winter, I’ve missed walking so much, and I think it’s because that’s what kept me sane from April until the snow fell last year. It’s got to be close to 60 degrees today, which is just right. Today was the first day of the year that I could get out and go for a good long walk.

Longing for beautiful weather